Melanie Rose

OMG! I am so excited…

melanie — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 10:27:39 +0000

I will be on a plane in about 4hrs, I am heading to Sarnia Ont. This is probably one of the first trips I am going with an expectation of great things, and fun times. Often when I go, as “excited” as I get, guilt often follows quite quickly as I get there and already grieve the return home. This time, I am going with the expectations of one day at time. I am am going to enjoy my girls and love every moment with them. I know this isn’t the most “normal” situation in the world, however, I have heard through the grapevine that there are MANY children living with their grandparents, and that it is becoming more and more “normal”. I won’t tell you not to have children, and I don’t regret one single daughter that I had, the regret is the failure of the “dream”. House, white picket fence, kids, mini van, great husband, maybe a nanny…but it didn’t work out this way, my bi-polar and other circumstances have had to dictate a different kind of life. What I am grateful for most is that the hate for myself and the guilt is finally lifting and I am beginning to actually enjoy my life, and not feel guilty for being happy without my girls. I will ALWAYS be their mother, and they will always be loved…I just have to do it different from other moms, and that is ok. In fact it is so nice to know that my girls have structure, meals, homework, chores….none of which I could give them consistently, well maybe meals, but even that was difficult some days. I am so excited to have girly time and hugs and squishes, and paint their toes, and take them to stones & bones and most of all…..LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART! I might not live with my girls, but there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think about them, sometimes I feel quilty, but mostly now I have come to a peace with it. They are happy and they are cared for by 2 loving grandparents, …. that even once in a while thank ME for letting them go to them.

The journey of life can be “funny” as in odd, but I am making the best of it, and I am so so grateful for the fact that when I am not with them, I have the gift of being able to tell jokes to people and make them laugh. What a lucky, lucky woman I am.

Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose

Why do I procrastinate so much….

melanie — Sat, 03 Mar 2012 14:23:21 +0000

I love this website, and I love blogging, but I never blog consistently, I tried my every day at 3, and I still don’t do that “right”…well I didn’t write this blog to beat the shit out of myself, I am just asking myself the question…why, what makes it so hard to do the things, even the ones you love…oh yes, I almost forgot I have bi=polar, I am in a group right now, and I am learning a lot about myself and the illness. I learned that when I do something great or to most people “normal”, I feel like I should get a medal or something, but lately, I haven’t wanted any medals, just counting the days till I see my girls 10, 10 10….let’s sing a song about 10 (sorry got carried away there for a minute).

I haven’t seen my girls since July, and I am so ready to give them cuddles and smoochies. I miss them so much, sometimes it is so hard, yet I know that sometimes being a good mother means letting go. I know this now, but at the time the girls left, I battled with guilt so bad, I though I might just die of heartbreak. Gut wrenching cries, and anger went thru me in the begining, and now I just look so forward to smelling their hair and brushing it. Lots of hugs and squishys and talks…. and going to Stones and Bones with them. Stones and Bones is a place that has stones & bones …it has been in Sarnia for years, it has all kinds of cool things to do…we go every time I am there. One of the highlights of my trip.

I am at peace now, I know the girls are being cared for by 2 VERY LOVING Grandparents, they may not “love” me as much as they love the girls, but that’s ok. My girls are safe, cared for, have structure, getting straight A’s in school, and I can say that might not be the case if I had them. I can barely make myself breakfast….and wake up time is sometime before noon?…although I am up wide awake right now and it’s 6:00 am…and I have no idea why, maybe it was to write. Which is just what I am going to do. I have I love Lucy on tv in the background, and I am gonna try and write some jokes…but Lucy is so good, I might have to turn the tv off….but Lucy is so funny, I can write jokes later?….ooops there I go again procrastination is rearing it’s ugly head.

Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose

Every Night at 3?

melanie — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:05:42 +0000

For the last week, I have been waking up at 3ish am, and wondering why or what to do. I realized that this IS my writing time and that I should run (well not really run) with it. I have so much going on in my life right now, I guess the quiet of the 3 am (even though the tv is on) is helpful to write. I have so much stuck in my head, and lately I have been holding it in, which for someone who is bi polar it is not really a smart idea.

I have been working in a homeless shelter for the last couple of months, and man I wish I had done that sooner to, I love working there almost as much as I love doing comedy. Why is this you say?…because the people are real, raw, and actually a family. As much as the drugs and booze, and listerine are involved, there are genuine people that have slipped through the cracks or have some sort of mental illness.

The staff there is fantastic, they handle the “community” that is what they are called at the shelter, The community is treated with respect and love, and never in a million years would I be so happy to hand someon a towel or a blanket or mitts, or get them a glass of water. The staff wear a vest that says staff on it, and one of the community members calls us staff infections….it makes me laugh every time.

I believe the 3 am wake up calls, are a wake up call for me. I need to focus more on writing, I have a one woman show to write and a book, but they are both stuck in my head and not really on paper, lots of little notes, but not the REAL thing. I have a story and I need to write it. Whether it goes somewhere or not, it is meant for me to put it out of my head and on to the paper.

My Aunt Idy is in her 80′s and she is full of stories, and poems, and songs, stuff that she learned as a child, and I realized, I have some of those things to. The art of listening to elders is not as “important” as it used to be when I was growing up and I am only in my 40′s (but don’t tell anyone that). We as a people need to start listening to ones that have come before us, and get off the dang cell phone, and put your head up once in a while and see what is around you..

That’s my rant for now. Thank you for reading….even if no one is reading this…I wrote it, and I feel better.

Peace n’stuff

Melanie Rose

April Calendar

melanie — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 08:28:23 +0000

April 1st fundraiser in Chilliwack
April 2nd fundraiser in Burnaby
April 3rd Kino 9:00 p.m.
April 11 the Comedy Showdown Contest…at the Comedy Mix (Century Plaza Hotel) 8:30 p.m.
April 11 Kits and Giggles Displace (after the game)
April 17th Kino Kafe 9:30 p.m.
April 18th Corduroy 9:30 p.m.
April 23rd -30th away personal

much more to come…

May 11th I am in Richmond…wooo Suburban Well

Christmas….

melanie — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 07:22:51 +0000

Hello Everyone (that reads this blog)…or I could be saying hi to no one…I mostly write this blog for me, as I find it kind of healing. This has been one of the most interesting Christmas’s ever. I have spent Christmas Eve alone. I had a place to go tonight but I just wasn’t feeling well, like I have a cold, but I am feeling much better now. Christmas and Boxing day i will be working 4 to midnight at the shelter. I have never been more excited about this. My girls are in Ontario, all 4 of them and other than skype, and the graciousness of others to help me with airline tickets I don’t see my girls much. I am hoping this year I will get to travel more with comedy, or even just with mental health work and be able to see them to. I am seriously thinking about moving to TO in the summer or early Fall. I LOVE my place, but it is getting to the point where I miss my girls more, and I need to be closer. I wish I was close to my sister, but it’s been at least 8 or more years since we have spoken, I often wonder if she misses me…. I don’t even know if I miss her, it’s more just a lump in my throat…I have made some huge mistakes in my life, however, I have made some HUGER accomplishments, I hate that I feel sometimes like “mommy, mommy watch me swim”.

I never felt like I was heard as a kid, as an adult in my 20′s and 30′s I spent it yelling at everyone and anyone that would listen, mom, sister, kids, ex husband, friends, customer service people…always angry then would swing to complete sadness, crying to family, kids, ex husband, friends, customer service people..it was madness! absolute madness…now that I feel like a “grown up” most of the above mentioned are gone, some are afraid of me, some just can’t be bothered I am too much work…some I left behind. If I wasn’t doing comedy I honestly don’t know if I would be here …not just not writing a blog, but be here, here on this planet.

This has been a hard and wonderful year. One year in Vancouver – God I love it!!! and 7 months no smoking today!! Man those are both huge changes for me..and all in the middle of that I try to make people laugh, as well as try to make them understand bi-polar..it’s a hard job, but someone has to do it.

I recently got a job at a shelter, and it has really changed my way of thinking about homeless people, and also about gratefulness and how it’s easy to forget that I have a blanket and right now watching the fire log on tv, and I have a bed and food…and some don’t.

This Christmas isn’t so bad, I am alone, but not lonely…and that I can say is a Christmas Miracle..

Peace n’stuff

Melanie Rose