One more sleep!!!
I am on my way to Sarnia tomorrow night … I have not seen my girls in a whole year. I am so excited, and happy, and sad, but mostly happy. It always takes a few days to adjust, for all of us. And each time I go, the guilt that I feel can get so overwhelming, but I know deep down in my heart they are in the right place. I am so glad they are with their grandparents, even though “we” might not get along that well, I know they love them so much, and only want what’s right for them. I just wish they were not so afraid of me…the don’t let me go too far alone with them, I think they think I would take them. The thought has crossed my mind before, when I was so angry that they were there, but now, I know as much as it kills me some days…and God I hope they love me when they are older and don’t blame me for every pain that happens in their lives. But I promise them that they can live with me forever when they are old enough. I hope comedy will take me back and forth to TO this year so that I can see my girls more. I vow that it won’t be a year in between next time. I am so looking forward to big squishy hugs, and I know I am going to be so stunned at how big they must be now…a year goes so fast, and so many changes, but for the first time in many years, I believe I can see the big picture. I am here to make people laugh, and to be vulnerable in front of others, so that they can do the same. It is something that has always been a gift and a curse…I am sitting in my living room, downtown Vancouver, with the most beautiful view and so close to so many things, I feel like someone should pinch me…is it real…it is! I am very blessed.
Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose
Wow!
Today (well yesterday now), I drove up to Vernon with 2 other Comedians. I had such a good day, sun was shining…sounds like a song. But really, it was a great day. It is such a beautiful drive. I did my first REAL middle spot tonight, and it was great. I learned some stuff, I took some risks, I did some new jokes…and I made people laugh. I am sitting in my hotel room, feeling overwhelmed with gratitude that I am able to make people laugh. Out of all the things that have happened to me, I did not loose my humour. I wish that my girls didn’t have to go through so much change, and have to be separated from me for such long periods of time. Tonight, I had a glimpse into the future. It was a tuff room, but I did it. There was a girl there drinking out of a bucket, like the ones you give to little kids to dig in the sand…it was full of vodka…ha! She said she had about 4 or more of them today already…WOW..she looked great for drinking all that alcohol, I told her that if I drank that many buckets, I might end up in a 12 step program. I had such a fun time, I learned a lot from watching the Headliner Sam Easton…he is a very funny guy. What I thought was the greatest about him, was that he told stories today of what he has learned over the years from comedy.. It was so nice to listen to him. I am glad that some comedians have taken time to tell me stories, and pains of comedy. I am expecially thankful to Erica Sigurdson for helping me with finding my place downtown, and giving me great advice.
Sometimes when I look outside my apartment, I still want to pinch myself. Vancouver is so beautiful. I am walking every day, and looking forward to my future. Something I have not always been able to say over the years. I miss my girls terribly, but I am going to see them ont he 23rd. I am looking so forward to it. It has been a whole year, that is way too long for any mother to be away from her kids, however, lack of money has been a huge factor in getting to see my girls. I know that this will change one day, I was so lucky to have a very good friend get me a ticket. I can’t even put into words how that made me feel, just knowing I was going, took so much stress away.
I am so grateful for the time, patience, tickets, groceries, buisness cards, help with packing, and so many other things that have been gifted to me over the last year. I promise to pay it forward. One day I will be able to help someone else the way I have been helped. I miss my friends from Richmond so much sometimes. But honestly, making the move to Vancouver was the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. It can be a bit lonely sometimes, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.
So, if I just keep putting my foot in front of the other, instead of in my mouth….things work out all right. No more shows in Vancouver until I get back. I am taking a break. I have a lot to do. I am really looking forward to seeing my girls, and after that I am going to spend a few days in Toronto…I am doing Eaton House, and Spirits, and hopefully a couple of more that I can squeeze in while I am there.
Until the next time I write…have a lovey day..and remember to laugh…ALWAYS, or as much as you can…it would be innapropriate to laugh during a funeral or something like that.
um…did I mention I am so EXCITED to see my girls…lmao! I think I wrote that a lot in this blog.. :0)
Peace n’ stuff
Melanie Rose
2 voting days left…for the Stand up & Bite Me contest!!!
I am so thankful to everyone who has and has been voting for me. I really want to go to Toronto…
2 more days left… please follow this link, register, and vote…thanks so much! I REALLY appreciate it. I am so excited…
http://standup.bite.ca/comedians/round-1/melanie-rose/
cheers!
last voting day is Thursday at midnight…(I think), just vote..lol, I will let you know! xo
Melanie Rose
What If????
So I heard that at 6:00 p.m. last night, it was supposed to be the end of the world…I am glad to say it wasn’t, however, I did find myself thinking about it…
what if you really knew when it was over?
what if you only had a few hours left?
I find that I think about death, probably more than a lot of people. I used to imagine what it would be like at my funeral, or how I could end my life with the least amount of pain…kinda morbid, but it is a part of me that was more real than a lot of people would like to admit. I don’t think about dying as much anymore, in fact I can go a few weeks now, sometimes months…but I do think about this part..
I was told once that it doesn’t matter the date you were born, or even that date you die, what matters is everything you do in the dash part in between…
So, with that said, I am glad the world didn’t end..as I still have a lot of stuff to get done. My house needs to be cleaner, my body needs to be thinner, my mind needs to be “saner” (is that a word)?
I haven’t talked to my sister in about 6 or 7 years..I know I am to blame for that, however, sometimes I feel sad that I am not close to my family. I don’t know if I have changed, or if I have just seen so much in my life, that I realize today that EVERYONE makes mistakes, to error is human…I am VERY human.
Bi-polar has taken so much from me, days lost due to anxiety, people gone, jobs lost, children lost, family lost, I wonder how I am still here some days. Yet there is a huge part of me that believes that I am here to tell my story, let people know that bi-polar is real, yet if you put your mind to it, and not let the illness win, you can move mountains, on chunk at a time.
I am glad the world did not end last night, but what IF it did. Could I look myself in the mirror and know that I did ok?, Did I help someone today?, did I call someone? Did I do something nice? Did I nurture my body with nutrition and a walk?, Did I talk to my children today and tell them I love them?, Did I…. the answer for today was NO, to all those questions…there is always tomorrow right?….or is there….what if?
Peace n’stuff..
Melanie Rose
- posted on 24/10/2011 07:39:46
