Every Night at 3?
For the last week, I have been waking up at 3ish am, and wondering why or what to do. I realized that this IS my writing time and that I should run (well not really run) with it. I have so much going on in my life right now, I guess the quiet of the 3 am (even though the tv is on) is helpful to write. I have so much stuck in my head, and lately I have been holding it in, which for someone who is bi polar it is not really a smart idea.
I have been working in a homeless shelter for the last couple of months, and man I wish I had done that sooner to, I love working there almost as much as I love doing comedy. Why is this you say?…because the people are real, raw, and actually a family. As much as the drugs and booze, and listerine are involved, there are genuine people that have slipped through the cracks or have some sort of mental illness.
The staff there is fantastic, they handle the “community” that is what they are called at the shelter, The community is treated with respect and love, and never in a million years would I be so happy to hand someon a towel or a blanket or mitts, or get them a glass of water. The staff wear a vest that says staff on it, and one of the community members calls us staff infections….it makes me laugh every time.
I believe the 3 am wake up calls, are a wake up call for me. I need to focus more on writing, I have a one woman show to write and a book, but they are both stuck in my head and not really on paper, lots of little notes, but not the REAL thing. I have a story and I need to write it. Whether it goes somewhere or not, it is meant for me to put it out of my head and on to the paper.
My Aunt Idy is in her 80′s and she is full of stories, and poems, and songs, stuff that she learned as a child, and I realized, I have some of those things to. The art of listening to elders is not as “important” as it used to be when I was growing up and I am only in my 40′s (but don’t tell anyone that). We as a people need to start listening to ones that have come before us, and get off the dang cell phone, and put your head up once in a while and see what is around you..
That’s my rant for now. Thank you for reading….even if no one is reading this…I wrote it, and I feel better.
Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose
Christmas….
Hello Everyone (that reads this blog)…or I could be saying hi to no one…I mostly write this blog for me, as I find it kind of healing. This has been one of the most interesting Christmas’s ever. I have spent Christmas Eve alone. I had a place to go tonight but I just wasn’t feeling well, like I have a cold, but I am feeling much better now. Christmas and Boxing day i will be working 4 to midnight at the shelter. I have never been more excited about this. My girls are in Ontario, all 4 of them and other than skype, and the graciousness of others to help me with airline tickets I don’t see my girls much. I am hoping this year I will get to travel more with comedy, or even just with mental health work and be able to see them to. I am seriously thinking about moving to TO in the summer or early Fall. I LOVE my place, but it is getting to the point where I miss my girls more, and I need to be closer. I wish I was close to my sister, but it’s been at least 8 or more years since we have spoken, I often wonder if she misses me…. I don’t even know if I miss her, it’s more just a lump in my throat…I have made some huge mistakes in my life, however, I have made some HUGER accomplishments, I hate that I feel sometimes like “mommy, mommy watch me swim”.
I never felt like I was heard as a kid, as an adult in my 20′s and 30′s I spent it yelling at everyone and anyone that would listen, mom, sister, kids, ex husband, friends, customer service people…always angry then would swing to complete sadness, crying to family, kids, ex husband, friends, customer service people..it was madness! absolute madness…now that I feel like a “grown up” most of the above mentioned are gone, some are afraid of me, some just can’t be bothered I am too much work…some I left behind. If I wasn’t doing comedy I honestly don’t know if I would be here …not just not writing a blog, but be here, here on this planet.
This has been a hard and wonderful year. One year in Vancouver – God I love it!!! and 7 months no smoking today!! Man those are both huge changes for me..and all in the middle of that I try to make people laugh, as well as try to make them understand bi-polar..it’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. 
I recently got a job at a shelter, and it has really changed my way of thinking about homeless people, and also about gratefulness and how it’s easy to forget that I have a blanket and right now watching the fire log on tv, and I have a bed and food…and some don’t.
This Christmas isn’t so bad, I am alone, but not lonely…and that I can say is a Christmas Miracle..
Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose
Oh Blog…sorry I have forgotten you!…
I haven’t been writing near enough, yet I have so much stuck in my head. Lots of changes lately, I got a job…something I was fearing yet needing all at the same time. I have been blessed to work a couple of days a week at a homeless shelter. I say blessed because it has been an eye opening, humbling and very fulfilling job, one of the best I have ever had next to comedy. Many people still can’t talk about this issue, or don’t want to, many assume (as I did) that homeless people are lazy, drug addicts, or “crazy”. I am here to say that, that isn’t always the case. There are are some people in there that are just plain homeless, why? because they have mental health issues, been kicked out of their kids homes, or they have slipped through the cracks. I have learned more about myself and people since just doing a few shifts, I think all people should do a shift or 2 at a shelter and then talk about what they see. Yes, it is hard to look at the man on the corner begging for change. Yes maybe he is going to buy drugs with his money, but maybe just maybe he is not. Maybe that night he is going to get a meal or buy a blanket from a store near downtown that sells them for $7 (did you know that)? because at the shelter they only give out blankets at 6:00 and 11:30, and they don’t always have them. Did you know that the shelter can only hold 240 people and if it’s any more than that they have to turn people away..I watched them turn a way a woman in a wheelchair and the best they could do for her was give her a blanket to stay warm until the numbers came down…if it goes over it WILL be shut down. Can you imagine if you had to be home at a certain time everynight or your door would be locked automatically?, or if you had no blankets and no heat. Yes some choose this way of life, but a lot don’t. I hope that the next time you see a homeless person on the street, don’t look away…you don’t have to give them money, but a little dignity would be super great, like hi, have a great day..not in a sarcastic way, but in a real way that you would tell a friend. I overheard a man in the shelter say…they don’t even look me in the eye…how terrible is that.
anyways…rant over! I am grateful for my home and my blanket today..how about you?
Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose
Is it magic or just plain old support and bonding…
Last night I was a part of the 3rd annual Bipolar Babe Fundraiser…it’s founder Andrea Paquette. Andrea is one of the most inspiring women that I have met. She is a founder of a group that helps teens and young adults deal with their bi-polar issues….and does that group ever love her.
The fundraiser was so great, there was a fashion show, and singers, comedians, people sharing their stories/letters, it was so inspiring and beautiful to feel the love in that room, just reminds me why I don’t mind talking about being bi-polar, as it really isn’t as shameful as it once was, and it seems more and more people are coming out of the closet so to speak. It’s ok to be have a mental illness, you can still fulfill your dreams, and you are still very much a human being and capable of anything. Honour who you are, work with it, instead of against it. And…check out my friend Andrea at www.bipolarbabe.com
Tonight: November 18th, if you are in Victoria, I am doing a guest spot at Hecklers…wooo! so exciting..show starts at 9:00 p.m.
peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose
Oh how things can change….
Today has been one of the most wonderful, emotional and memorable experiences of my life. I spent the day with my Daughter and my Mother. I talked more to my mom today than I have in 10 yrs…and it wasn’t that bad. Has she changed, I wouldn’t know, as I haven’t talked to her in 10 years… But I have changed.
My 23yr old daughter is graduating tomorrow from UVic, first of all, I can’t even wrap my head around that still. Today, Kayla and I came over on the ferry together and met my mom and (well I guess we could say my step-dad)…if I went down that road, that’s for another day. My illness effected every part of my life including my relationships with family. Have they all changed?…I don’t know as I chose to not talk to them for the last 8 to 10 years.
As I age, I am realizing that life is very short, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy. Today, I choose happy. I looked at my mom today with new eyes. I never stopped loving her, but I did cut the piece of my heart out so it would be easier to deal with. Also, today, I saw my Auntie Dodo for the 1st time in over 20/30 years, … I was overwhelmed with emotions about how she remembered me and was genuinely happy to see me. She wanted to know how I was, and if I was ok. I had to go to the bathroom and pull myself together…What an absolute waste of a lot of beautiful years I could have spent with her. But I didn’t want to talk to anyone…I might never see her again she is 96, but I hope I do.
I feel kinda like scrooge that has seen the light…don’t go to bed angry, don’t waste years and years not speaking to someone you love…just try and be love.. I believe that comedy has not only saved my life, but it might just have given me a second chance to fix the pain I caused my mother and her partner. Bi-polar is a very selfish illness, it tells you lies and makes people afraid…could my mother have tried a little harder over the years…sure, but so could have I…but now all I can do is take it one day at a time. Be kind to whomever you meet. and most of all LIVE LIFE!
Congratz to my baby girl, who is no longer a baby….and thank you comedy for allowing me to see my life and other people with new eyes. Speaking of eyes…I better go get a tissue…it’s gonna be a tear jerker type of night …
but they are tears of joy.
What a day I will have tomorrow, watching Kayla graduate, and doing a show at the end of the night…my life is good.
Peace n’stuff
Melanie Rose
