I will be on a plane in about 4hrs, I am heading to Sarnia Ont. This is probably one of the first trips I am going with an expectation of great things, and fun times. Often when I go, as “excited” as I get, guilt often follows quite quickly as I get there and already grieve the return home. This time, I am going with the expectations of one day at time. I am am going to enjoy my girls and love every moment with them. I know this isn’t the most “normal” situation in the world, however, I have heard through the grapevine that there are MANY children living with their grandparents, and that it is becoming more and more “normal”. I won’t tell you not to have children, and I don’t regret one single daughter that I had, the regret is the failure of the “dream”. House, white picket fence, kids, mini van, great husband, maybe a nanny…but it didn’t work out this way, my bi-polar and other circumstances have had to dictate a different kind of life. What I am grateful for most is that the hate for myself and the guilt is finally lifting and I am beginning to actually enjoy my life, and not feel guilty for being happy without my girls. I will ALWAYS be their mother, and they will always be loved…I just have to do it different from other moms, and that is ok. In fact it is so nice to know that my girls have structure, meals, homework, chores….none of which I could give them consistently, well maybe meals, but even that was difficult some days. I am so excited to have girly time and hugs and squishes, and paint their toes, and take them to stones & bones and most of all…..LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART! I might not live with my girls, but there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think about them, sometimes I feel quilty, but mostly now I have come to a peace with it. They are happy and they are cared for by 2 loving grandparents, …. that even once in a while thank ME for letting them go to them.
The journey of life can be “funny” as in odd, but I am making the best of it, and I am so so grateful for the fact that when I am not with them, I have the gift of being able to tell jokes to people and make them laugh. What a lucky, lucky woman I am.
I love this website, and I love blogging, but I never blog consistently, I tried my every day at 3, and I still don’t do that “right”…well I didn’t write this blog to beat the shit out of myself, I am just asking myself the question…why, what makes it so hard to do the things, even the ones you love…oh yes, I almost forgot I have bi=polar, I am in a group right now, and I am learning a lot about myself and the illness. I learned that when I do something great or to most people “normal”, I feel like I should get a medal or something, but lately, I haven’t wanted any medals, just counting the days till I see my girls 10, 10 10….let’s sing a song about 10 (sorry got carried away there for a minute).
I haven’t seen my girls since July, and I am so ready to give them cuddles and smoochies. I miss them so much, sometimes it is so hard, yet I know that sometimes being a good mother means letting go. I know this now, but at the time the girls left, I battled with guilt so bad, I though I might just die of heartbreak. Gut wrenching cries, and anger went thru me in the begining, and now I just look so forward to smelling their hair and brushing it. Lots of hugs and squishys and talks…. and going to Stones and Bones with them. Stones and Bones is a place that has stones & bones …it has been in Sarnia for years, it has all kinds of cool things to do…we go every time I am there. One of the highlights of my trip.
I am at peace now, I know the girls are being cared for by 2 VERY LOVING Grandparents, they may not “love” me as much as they love the girls, but that’s ok. My girls are safe, cared for, have structure, getting straight A’s in school, and I can say that might not be the case if I had them. I can barely make myself breakfast….and wake up time is sometime before noon?…although I am up wide awake right now and it’s 6:00 am…and I have no idea why, maybe it was to write. Which is just what I am going to do. I have I love Lucy on tv in the background, and I am gonna try and write some jokes…but Lucy is so good, I might have to turn the tv off….but Lucy is so funny, I can write jokes later?….ooops there I go again procrastination is rearing it’s ugly head.